Similarly to the ancient Sumerians, for the first seventeen years, eight months, thirteen days, and fifteen hours of my life, I didn’t have a cell phone. That didn’t really change for the ancient Sumerians, but it did for me, as I got a phone last Tuesday, or something. It’s a Galaxy S5; it’s alright. But yes, dear reader, I went through three years of American high school without a cell phone. I do feel like I deserve a medal for something, like a Medal of Honor, except instead of being for personal acts of heroism above and beyond the call of duty, it’d be for borrowing people’s phones to call one’s mom. If that was a thing, Obama would have slung it around my neck at least four times.
The reason I didn’t have a phone was not because of a loose observation of the Amish lifestyle, because my parents didn’t want to pay for it. If I complained about not having a phone they told me to get a job and pay for it. Whatever. If I was paying for seven college tuitions I wouldn’t want to pay for seven phone bills either. #communismwouldfixthisbutthatsnoneofmybusiness. I’ve had a job since April, but I just now decided to pay for it.
I definitely put it off for a multitude of reasons. It’s expensive; I’m only semi-employed, and fifty dollars is a lot of potential Taco Bell funds being sacrificed. (My next blog will be advocating the U.S Dollar be renamed to Taco Bell Acquirerers. Not really.) I wasn’t really sure if it was necessary; I’ve gone this far without one and haven’t a friend in the world, so there’s nobody to text all the time. Mostly though, it’s because I knew there’d be so much to learn about it and it’d be annoying and inconvenient; you know when middle schoolers/old people get Facebook and they use it wrong? Like, middle schoolers will make collages tagging their friends as “the crazy one” or “the iconoclastic one”, use weird filters in their profile pictures, and have conversations barren of all grammar, and hope, about how RaNdOm!!!11 they are. taco cat. While old people will sign their name at the end of a comment like they’re writing a letter, -John. OR TYPE IN ALL CAPS, AS MY GRANDFATHER DOES. These quirks will be similar to me trying to figure out how to emoji, snapchat, and instagram. I have yet to get an IG, but one of my band freshman helped me set up my snapchat on the band bus to our most recent competition, and as I looked into the bus window, I saw my reflection, and knew, that I was indeed an old person. She also remarked that I texted like her grandmother, which made me cry tears. Of water.
I got a phone mostly because it’s too essential to American life now to go without one. Believe someone who didn’t have one. I’ll need it in the future going to college, and it’ll be nice to be able to contact friends and bae with more ease, I also have something to take interviews with and take pictures of notes in class. I can also jam out to my dope tunes easier as well. I’m looking forward to being fully integrated in like, a month or two, but for now, I text like the average grandmother.